My Blog has Moved

You an now find my blog at

 

http://sheepnom0re.wordpress.com/

Sheep!

So i went to look at carpets today with my mum and dad, i want something really funky and bright for my bedroom, I love BRIGHT colours.
I was in 8 different carpet shops and all they sold was - Brown, Tan, Black, Grey, Cream and very dark dark red. ALL EIGHT SHOPS. When my mum asked they said no sorry this is the style that is in right now.
AH i was raging mad inside.. yet another example of the world being f*cked up.. everyone following like sheep. Carpet shops says somethings in style and everyone ( the sheep ) just accepts this and think they must have it.
So i came back and looked online, I can't find any BRIGHT yellow carpets, or funky colours at all.
This little event today has really wound me up. I am so angry.

I also had more feelings of depersonalization which was scary because i didnt feel like i was there.. i thought it was a panic attack but i wasnt panicy or heart racing or anxious.. i was just "out of it" I didnt like it.

Don't leave me alone with my thoughts... its dangerous!

Last night i think i went through a hypomania stage.. i was really irritable and feeling crazy, so much things i want to do tonight but im just sitting staring at the walls or the PC screen.. i will get up walk into the kitchen for no reason then find myself back staring at google homepage and million thoughts going round my head, my brain just blocks everything out and i feel numb.

Been getting lots of depersonalization feelings as well lately. Me just looking down on this game of life being played out. The world is totally fake, and people are all sheep.

TV, Media, all  programs their minds, they believe anything and everything. Lucky for me i am free but i dont belong in this world with this generation of humans. The world is falling apart. People lifes are now Facebook, thats how sad things are. But i'll play along in this fake world its the only thing i can do.

I have been feeling awesome the last few weeks! I have been training lots and getting really fit and feeling good... but last week i got a slipped disc in my back which has put a stop to my training for now. Ive been stuck inside for a week... strangely still feeling super happy.

Slowly my moods are changing i am P*SSED of at everything again, super irritable and so much anger and hate towards people. for no reason what so ever!

I am really upset right now with my Karate coach.. weeks ago i told him about my AvPD and Bipolar.. i spent ages trying to work out how to say it ( type it ) and gave him links to AvPD pages and Biploar. His responce - Stop pussyfooting around and get on with it. After telling him i have AvPD he told me i have to take the warm ups in karate for a month. Ive been trying to get over this my whole life and he now wants me to get over it in FOUR WEEKS. If i write back to him.. No i am not doing it... he will hate me, and start picking on me in class and karate wont be fun anymore. I tried so hard to tell him my difficulties but he thinks he can just give me 4 weeks to prepar then things will be ok. I give up i really do.

Isn't nice when a friend tells you that you are a fuck up and have to many mental issues. I have never been so hurt.

Been awake all night thinking... and thinking about everything. I wish i could vanish for a few months.. i dont want anyone to see me so depressed. Im dreading going to this karate camp because i wont be able to enjoy anything.. and people will think im just a misrable idiot.
I cant enjoy anything... i hate being like this.

Please someone save me from this hell.

FUCK YOU WORLD. THAT IS ALL.

IM SCREAMING IN MY HEAD... BUT NO ONE HEARS ME, IM IN MY OWN PRISON, MY OWN MIND IS TORTURING ME. I WANT TO BREAK FREE.

I WANT TO CRY BUT I CANT EVEN CRY, I WANT TO SHOUT OUT LOUD BUT I CAN'T GET A WORD OUT.. I WANT TO PUNCH THE WALLS BUT I CAN'T BREAK FREE OF THIS ITS HOLDING ME DOWN HOLDING ME BACK,,, EATING ME ALIVE. ITS SLOWLY KILLING ME.

SOMEONE SAVE ME FROM THIS. PLEASE.

I'm super p****d off at EVERYTHING TODAY! I DELETED MY FACEBOOK I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO ANYONE. MY "FRIENDS" TREAT ME LIKE SOME CRAZY FOOL. AT WORK.. OUTSIDE WAS JUST TO NOISEY.. CARS CARS CARS.. ENGINES, KIDS SCREAMING, DOGS BARKING. LEAVE ME ALONE WORLD.

I've never had a blog before! But this seems a better idea than my crazy angry outbursts on facebook, i think i will write here! I'm now nearly one month of my meds and my thoughts are going crazy, i am back to square one, i was warned not to come off them, but i didnt listen i wanted so much to lose weight, and these meds were stopping me! Also i read bad things about the medication that it was linked to sudden death. I had been on them 2 years. My thoughts.. my thoughts are all over the damn place. Everything is making me RAGE but INSIDE me as i cant let my anger out... i think i am to scared to, and i DONT want to, i dont want to be that kind of person, i am caring, honest and kind. I will not let my other self out. It stays in my head and eats away at me, im not always like this, but it happens now and again. I am not a bad person and i will never be a bad, violent person. My bipolar and AvPD conflict though i think its a good thing.. id kill myself if i ever shouted at someone or started a fight. Ok maybe not kill myself and i would punish myself. No. No. No.
In a few weeks i will forget all this stuff and be back to having a million goals and training, and going out with friends again, but for now.. i need to be alone.

Faster, I dream in speeds of ashes
My heart it beats and crashes
I’m running from the truth
Cause it f*cks with my mind
Help I'm losing, help I'm falling
Life is silent, the earth is calling
Every reason, every nighttime
And every day starts and ends in sunlight
But I'm not okay with this vicious cycle
Something's broken, it seems unnatural
The shapes are wondrous, but loosely woven
The sounds are deafening, and time is frozen.

Some of my fav lyrics from a band called Angels & Airwaves, If you havnt heard of them i highly recommend checking them out. The band is like an art project.

The band has a vision for their music, which is not just a listening experience but something that involves videos and films paired with music to engage both imagery and sound for a unique, unparalleled experience. I recently got a tattoo its of an astronaught sitting on the moon, its from one of their albums and films. Basically the astronaught gets stranded in space.. he has lost contact with all humans and is sitting looking down to earth watching all the wars and earth falling apart. The tattoo represents Isolation, and its how i have felt my whole life.