My Blog has Moved

You an now find my blog at

 

http://sheepnom0re.wordpress.com/

Sheep!

So i went to look at carpets today with my mum and dad, i want something really funky and bright for my bedroom, I love BRIGHT colours.
I was in 8 different carpet shops and all they sold was - Brown, Tan, Black, Grey, Cream and very dark dark red. ALL EIGHT SHOPS. When my mum asked they said no sorry this is the style that is in right now.
AH i was raging mad inside.. yet another example of the world being f*cked up.. everyone following like sheep. Carpet shops says somethings in style and everyone ( the sheep ) just accepts this and think they must have it.
So i came back and looked online, I can't find any BRIGHT yellow carpets, or funky colours at all.
This little event today has really wound me up. I am so angry.

I also had more feelings of depersonalization which was scary because i didnt feel like i was there.. i thought it was a panic attack but i wasnt panicy or heart racing or anxious.. i was just "out of it" I didnt like it.

Don't leave me alone with my thoughts... its dangerous!

Last night i think i went through a hypomania stage.. i was really irritable and feeling crazy, so much things i want to do tonight but im just sitting staring at the walls or the PC screen.. i will get up walk into the kitchen for no reason then find myself back staring at google homepage and million thoughts going round my head, my brain just blocks everything out and i feel numb.

Been getting lots of depersonalization feelings as well lately. Me just looking down on this game of life being played out. The world is totally fake, and people are all sheep.

TV, Media, all  programs their minds, they believe anything and everything. Lucky for me i am free but i dont belong in this world with this generation of humans. The world is falling apart. People lifes are now Facebook, thats how sad things are. But i'll play along in this fake world its the only thing i can do.

I have been feeling awesome the last few weeks! I have been training lots and getting really fit and feeling good... but last week i got a slipped disc in my back which has put a stop to my training for now. Ive been stuck inside for a week... strangely still feeling super happy.

Slowly my moods are changing i am P*SSED of at everything again, super irritable and so much anger and hate towards people. for no reason what so ever!

I am really upset right now with my Karate coach.. weeks ago i told him about my AvPD and Bipolar.. i spent ages trying to work out how to say it ( type it ) and gave him links to AvPD pages and Biploar. His responce - Stop pussyfooting around and get on with it. After telling him i have AvPD he told me i have to take the warm ups in karate for a month. Ive been trying to get over this my whole life and he now wants me to get over it in FOUR WEEKS. If i write back to him.. No i am not doing it... he will hate me, and start picking on me in class and karate wont be fun anymore. I tried so hard to tell him my difficulties but he thinks he can just give me 4 weeks to prepar then things will be ok. I give up i really do.

Isn't nice when a friend tells you that you are a fuck up and have to many mental issues. I have never been so hurt.

Been awake all night thinking... and thinking about everything. I wish i could vanish for a few months.. i dont want anyone to see me so depressed. Im dreading going to this karate camp because i wont be able to enjoy anything.. and people will think im just a misrable idiot.
I cant enjoy anything... i hate being like this.

Please someone save me from this hell.

FUCK YOU WORLD. THAT IS ALL.

IM SCREAMING IN MY HEAD... BUT NO ONE HEARS ME, IM IN MY OWN PRISON, MY OWN MIND IS TORTURING ME. I WANT TO BREAK FREE.

I WANT TO CRY BUT I CANT EVEN CRY, I WANT TO SHOUT OUT LOUD BUT I CAN'T GET A WORD OUT.. I WANT TO PUNCH THE WALLS BUT I CAN'T BREAK FREE OF THIS ITS HOLDING ME DOWN HOLDING ME BACK,,, EATING ME ALIVE. ITS SLOWLY KILLING ME.

SOMEONE SAVE ME FROM THIS. PLEASE.